Thursday, April 17, 2008

Tears

Today, all of the stress of everything finally hit me. Well, maybe it didn't hit me so much as it nudged me. I was sitting in my mother's hospital room this afternoon and a few tears escaped from my eyes. I didn't even realise it until my mother asked me what was wrong with me.

You may not know this about me, but I am a perfectionist. Whenever I do something, I put my all into it and try to be perfect. It is very difficult for me to fail at anything. If I can't do something perfectly, I'd rather not even try.

So, not being able to be the best mother AND the best daughter at the same time (not to mention being a great wife) is putting me under a lot of stress. I think that I was feeling guilty for making Katie spend her days cooped up in my mother's hospital room all day every day when the tears escaped from my eyes. I know this situation isn't going to last forever, but it's so hard for me to feel like I am letting my girls down in even the slightest way.

I still don't know if Sarah will be able to go with her class on the field trip to Busch Gardens. I never got a response from Sarah's teacher to the email I sent her. I had to take Sarah to the dentist this morning for her monthly orthodontic check, and she was late getting to this teacher's class, so she didn't turn in the forms or speak to her teacher about it, either.

Sarah did tell me, however, that she was fine with not going. She said that one of her good friends isn't going because she doesn't like to ride roller coasters. I hope she's not just covering to try to make me not feel bad. Of course, I also hope that she'll be allowed to attend.

As for my mother, she's still in the hospital, but she's doing much better. She's ready to come home, but her doctor's can't release her yet because she still needs Coumadin injections for her blood clot, and her insurance doesn't want to pay for her to get them at home. (Apparently, it's very expensive.)

They told mom that she has to get her Coumadin levels in her blood up to a 2.2 before she can go home and take the pill form, and she was at a 1.0 today. Her nurse said that she's hoping they can get her up to a 1.6 or 1.7 tomorrow. Which means that mom will definitely not be coming home again tomorrow. It'll be Saturday at the earliest.

2 comments:

Andrea said...

Being "sandwiched" is hard on all of us, but especially those of us who are perfectionists and don't take help well. Guilt isn't going to help you so let it go. Believe me, I have been right there where you are...this too shall pass. You are doing stellar in my opinion and I'm sure everyone in your family would say the same. You have great friends (like me!) who love you and will do whatever you need. Don't try to shoulder it all.

Debbie said...

Sometimes, tears are the only thing you have left in you that help release all the tension and stress you are dealing with...I'm sure many of keep things in, let things build up and at a moment's time, when you least expect it, we tear up, cry, whatever we need to do...

I just hope that things start getting better and looking up..They say, God will not give someone more than they can handle and it just shows how strong you are and how much faith he has in you to carry all this....